So, dating after you’ve had your heart broke a time (or two) can be somewhat challenging. Fear, there is so much fear involved. They take one step that looks like your ex and you’re suspicious; like “Oh my heavens, the way you eat your food with a fork is exactly what my ex did so that must automatically mean you’re going to hurt me too!” It’s unhealthy and it’s toxic (speaking from experience as the girl who got spooked from someone eating with a fork, hypothetically speaking)! But here is the thing: they aren’t your ex, and in many scenarios in life, even those outside of dating, there is potential to get hurt. It’s a part of life. Though, fear isn’t supposed to control our choices or actions.
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalms 56:3
I’ve been struggling lately at not being afraid. I have experienced so much hurt this year that I’ve lost that fire I had for Christ. I got to the point that I was in so much pain I didn’t know what to do. Praying wasn’t seeming to help. I couldn’t make myself go to church because I ended up in tears every sermon and I was so tired of crying. More than anything I wanted to call my aunt. I wanted to talk to her about how much I was struggling and how much I missed her. I knew that we could talk about God and sort through my pain and I’d be fine but she was part of my pain. Losing her was part of my heartache. Not having my go to person hurts. It hurts. When things in life would go wrong she knew what to say or how to help me handle my anxieties so everything was okay.
Yesterday, my anxieties got the best of me. I lacked trust in the person I had begun to care for because I got scared that he would do the same thing that has been done to me in the past. History repeated itself twice now, why not a third time? But I learned the hard way that he isn’t “them”. He isn’t the person who hurt me before and my actions were unfair and uncalled for. I can see JoAnn now chewing my rear out for acting so selfishly.
In the end, my attempt to protect myself got me hurt again by pushing away the person I cared for. But it did bring me to my knees in prayer and began to stir a fire in me for my Father once again. The only way to heal is through the Father’s hand and trust that my Father is looking out for me. I’m hoping I can be forgiven for my doubtfulness and that I learned to lean on my God for guidance instead of my own understanding.